The handshake is in trouble. There's a new kid on the block that aims to dethrone the king of Western world greetings; and although I'm not particularly opposed to either, the confusion caused by the ongoing battle for supremacy has me irate.

I'm talking, of course, about the fist-pound, or pound-dog; which has become a de facto standard for many social groups in Durban. This simple greeting, which involves each person extending a closed fist and pounding their knuckles together, was made popular by Ali G where he used it to confuse and sometimes annoy the guests on his show, who would often look at his extended fist with total bewilderment before grabbing it and shaking vigorously.

Ali G's fist-pounds were simply a tool to drive the humour of the show, in which he played on the massive culture gap between Britain's ghetto yob culture and the upper class politicians and celebrities that run the country. The awkwardness that it caused was funny because it mocked the stiff-upper-lip men in suits, and thus fit in perfectly with the theme of the show.

The phenomenon was quickly copied by young South Africans and probably generated many laughs when people realised it was a reference to the Ali G show. Unfortunately, like the gross wad of chewed bubblegum beneath my trainers, it's stuck down so hard that now you can't go anywhere without it's effects being felt.

The joke itself being long since dead, our social encounters are now cursed by the “hand-dance of greeting uncertainty"?. This phenomenon occurs when you catch eyes with an old acquaintance across the bar, and move towards them, smiling with open-palmed hand extended and ready to give a firm, manly shake that would squash a small rodent and make your grandfather proud. The horror begins when you see the hand you're reaching to squeeze is nothing but a clenched ball with protruding knuckles, and the person offering this fist is equally shocked to see you're still sporting a more traditional, open palmed hand.

The dance commences! As each party attempts to correct their embarrassing mistake, the awkwardness grows! You quickly pull your hand into a fist and try to turn the misunderstanding into a joke, by frowning your eyebrows and growling in your best Ali G voice: “Oh, sorry, RESPEK!!"?; but by that time it's too late! His fist is now open, fingers extended and looking to meet yours in a shake. This flip-flopping continues, with each person growing more and more anxious, until, with no end in sight, it gets settled by that abominable compromise which has ruined so many otherwise-pleasant meetings:

One person grabs the other's fist, and shakes.

This is completely unacceptable! The method for greeting another person has to be the same, or at least similar, across similar groups of people! Sure, I know about the 'African' handshake, and various other incarnations, but at least these are slight variations of the open-palmed theme. It's also really easy to fake knowledge of a guy's shake by following his lead, for example, if he slides his hand back, he's going for the standard slide-to-click movement which is simple to follow onto. If he lifts his forearm upwards, he's doing the African shake, and you can recover by following the lead and pretending you knew all along!

When the fist-pound meets a handshake, you're dead before it even starts. There's no plan for recovery and it's virtually impossible for a social encounter to survive the misery of this gross misunderstanding!

There are also those bizarre people who think it's okay to reserve proper handshakes for their good friends, and offer a fist-pound to any other people who may only be considered acquaintances. What a shocking practice! How can anyone think that it's reasonable to exclude certain people from the privilege of shaking hands? It's this elitist bull that will divide our society! We need to come up with a standard, and damn well stick with it!

I think I'll put my vote with the old-fashioned handshake. It's stood the test of time, and to the best of my knowledge is still widely used in most parts of the world!

What points can be raised for the fist-pound? Is it a hygiene issue? Is your grip simply not strong enough to prove your manliness in a firm handshake? I'm listening.