I'd love to know which group of marketing ignoramuses decided to turn Durban into a shrine for a vicious warlord. Looking back at centuries of Zulu history, surely there must be somebody else we can idolise for a change? Anyone... but let's try think of someone who's not responsible for the massacre of a million people, shall we?

Before I get into it, let it be said that general opinion of Shaka does vary greatly. Talk to a Zulu tribesperson and you may get a picture of a great king, heroic leader and saviour of the people; whereas most white historians would call him a cruel, cold-blooded killer. To me, the facts speak for themselves, and the brutality he displayed while expanding the Zulu Kingdom makes George Bush look like a pussy-cat.

He wouldn't have been so angry if he had just lived hereNow, some 178 years after his death, he’s making a comeback in general opinion and Durban is popping out Shaka tributes at an unprecedented rate.

The King Shaka Memorial, situated in KwaDukuza (Stanger) on King Shaka Street, well... I’ll let that one slide. It would be silly to have an official memorial without his name in the title, wouldn’t it?

But then there’s uShaka Marine World. I for one didn’t realise the old boy enjoyed an aquatic lifestyle; maybe he used his traditional short assegai to do some spearfishing at Shaka’s Rock?

Right behind the marine world, is the new Point development called Shaka’s Gate apartments. A luxury lifestyle that his warriors (who ran seventy kilometers a day, barefoot over thorns and sharp stones), would certainly envy.

He probably would've shat his loincloth if he could've seen one of the many jumbo jets that will be touching down at the new Durban International “King Shaka"? Airport, planned for completion in 2007 in La Mercy.

He must get great reception with that thingAnd of course, his ego would be greatly inflated by the twenty storey Shaka statue which was originally planned for the Durban harbour. Never mind the fact that nobody really knows what he looked like: the only drawing of the man has wild inaccuracies such as the lengthy spear and one meter feather on his head, so who can tell if those crows feet around his eyes or cute little dimples on his cheeks are real either?

We’ve never been good at this naming business, and the problem of paying tribute to undesirable characters is not new. It’s just that in the past there wasn’t much call for Zulu culture. So places like Pretoria, named after Andries Pretorius who was a bit of a killer himself, have been creating ripples in the new South Africa for a while now.

I’m against name change simply because of the economic and historical effect that it has, and the fact that my memory for these things is awful. It took me forever to remember the new province names and I still sometimes confuse Limpopo and Mpumalanga.

My point is simply that we need to break away from the violent past and instead name our tourist attractions after people who contribute peacefully to society. Otherwise, where does it end? You build a giant Shaka statue, and I’ll build a bigger one of Pretorius! We could even take the whole thing to it's illogical conclusion, and turn them into giant robots for a Godzilla-like battle in the Durban CBD! That would make for great viewing.

It’s all easier said than done, especially when we’re dealing with South Africa, a country so inherently violent that the deputy president of the ruling party riled up support by singing “bring me my machine gun"?!

We’ve got to start somewhere though. How about Mahatma Gandhi International Airport? Desmond Tutu Marine World? I know, a giant statue of Nelson Mandela in the harbour, arm-in-arm with Pieter Dirk Uys! Anything is better than Shaka...