I guess it's my background in computers that constantly causes me to look for shortcuts in real life, and to draw these nerdy diagrams over satellite pictures. Still, there's nothing I hate more than waiting in traffic, so I always try find a way around or make a sneaky plan to legitimately jump the queue.

Now I know you're thinking what a loser I am for submitting this, but life's too short to give a shit what people think of you. Besides, being geeky is trendy these days! Right? Guys?!

Here's one of my favourite congestion spots and the best way to avoid waiting. This one is great for those that travel from Westville towards the University (UKZN) in the morning, and exploits the way turning circles work!

In the first Google Earth picture, you can see where I'm talking about in the broad scheme of things. The traffic is normally backed up from the turning circle outside Westway Office park (A), to halfway up the St James Avenue hill (B). The reason this happens is that at (A) there is only one lane going down towards the hospital and university; people anticipate this and begin queuing early on so they don't have to cut in.

This leaves two empty lanes on each side of this line of cars and trucks.

This second picture is a close up of the red area outlined on the top picture, and shows how the diabolical hacks work! The blue line is the lane which everyone queues in, the green line is hack #1, and the red line hack #2:

Hack #1

In this first one, you get into the right lane on the bridge over the N3. Wizz past all the traffic, and when you get to the turning circle outside Westway, go around it completely but at some point in the circle change lanes, being very careful to watch out behind you! As you come around again, you'll be in the outer lane and all the traffic going down towards the university will have to yield for you! Bam! You've legally jumped the queue and will now be in time to catch the morning gossip around the water cooler!

Hack #2

I prefer this one, it's completely safe compared to Hack #1, where changing lanes in the turning circle can get hairy sometimes. Get into the left lane (red line) which goes exclusively into the Pavilion. There are hardly any people going shopping at the crack of dawn so this one is always empty. Shoot into the Pav, and use the turning circle to immediately take the exit. You'll double back on yourself but will come out leagues ahead of the people still waiting halfway up the hill at (B). If the robot is green for them when you rejoin the blue line, you'll have to yield for a few seconds before you can drive on to the Westway circle, but I guarantee you'll save at least 5 minutes using this method!

Do I care that, technically, I'm pushing in line?

“No."?

When it comes to the dog-on-dog world of traffic, the weasel way should be your number one strategy! Who has time to wait around for two, five, sometimes even ten minutes? I'd rather spend those precious moments sleeping off the babelaas than cursing congestion. By being on time to work, rested and rejuvenated, instead of boiling with furious anger, your life will immeasurably improve.

Join me, Luke, on the dark side.