Well, we made it there and back. Even though the distance wasn't THAT far and the time spent wasn't THAT long the task was arduous and it was an awesome weekend. Thanks, in most part, to T-Bone Billy and his bulging porn collection. Long live LA Cobra, the hottest band in town.

As soon as we left Kwa Zulu Natal Skeg's brain kind of switched to standby and his sanity chips overheated. Dude, I definitely think that you couldn't live anywhere that doesn't have a beach. Oh, and how come they sell surfboards and body boards in Pretoria. That must be quite a niche market hey?

The first night in Pretoria was a real eye opener for us. Why doesn’t Durban have any places like Zanzibar? LA Cobra looked at us like we were retarded tourists, dumbstruck by the fact that bands got a tab that included a quality hot meal as well the fact that the venue even had a toilet that you didn’t mind sitting on. Where was the puke on the floor and all the menacing crack-heads?

We were on at 10pm and the place was still pretty empty. T-Bone explained that because of Oppikoppi last weekend, people in Pretoria were still lying low and that the locals that do come to Zanzibar only come after they’ve been EVERYWHERE else, which was a pity because I think we had our best show ever.

After we were done, the Cobra’s wrapped the microphones in satin, leopard print scarves and stormed the stage in tight jeans, denim waste coats, cowboy boots and crocodile skin guitar straps. The smoke machine was out of control I couldn’t even see drummer Animal for most of the show. Who the hell invented smoke machines anway? And Why? The inside of Zanzibar looked like the site of a rocket launch, post take off.

After the show we had a few drinks with Ron Midnight and the boys, Cokes for Woogy, and then went back to Bryan’s (T-Bone Billy). I never thought that a carpeted floor could be so comfortable. Due to Skeg’s spiralling dementia he talked in his sleep and made the weirdest sounds I’ve ever heard another human make.

After a braai for breakfast, several burnt DVDs, a few trips to ‘the smoking wall’ and a search and rescue mission for Bryan’s dog Bob we were on our way to Menlyn Park for an expensive loitering session. The mall was crazy, not bigger than places like Gateway and the Pavilion, but way more opulent. There was so much stuff that we just never get here in Durban. The Look & Listen store even had Millencolin and NOFX DVD’s in stock. I didn’t know Millencolin even had a DVD, and it was from 1998 which means it’s got all the really good stuff on it.

We left Menlyn Park after lunch and headed to Johannesburg. Thanks to some navigational cock ups, we ended up on the N3 back to Durban and reached Heidelberg before we realised and turned around. I phoned Mark from Misled who laughed at us like a crazy man before explaining how to get to Melville. Eventually we made it there after the trooper had guzzled most of our band money in the form of petrol and by chance met Steph from Misled at the Shell we stopped at. Steph seemed to be in a grumpy mood, either that or he just didn’t like us. All of Misled kind of kept their distance except for Crazy Mark, what a legend and what a drummer.

For some reason we were on first at 8 o’ fuc#ing clock!!! The venue, Back2Basix, looked like it was in for a rocker. Even at 8pm we had a better crowd than last night, but it just seemed crazy for the event organisers, Black Star clothing, to put the touring band on first and at 8 o’ clock no less!!! That kind of thing would never have happened in Durban. Also we didn’t get any food and sat, mouths drooling watching Misled scoffing their complementary burgers. Steph maintains that he told Skeg that we could order food too, but whatever happened I didn’t eat again until 5am and Skeg, Ozzie and Woogy didn’t eat at all. It was cool to see my mate Grant again, thank your Hungarian friend for me dude… very nice. I hope he gets out of jail soon.

Misled rocked, but overall we didn’t really pick up many good vibes in Pretoria and left before Unwritten Friday had finished their set. It was rad to chat to Jay Bones who said that he was bummed he had missed our show and that he liked our CD, but we were itching to get back to Pretoria and party with LA Cobra. Those guys just made us feel so welcome. We had another good, tight show though.

Somehow, we found Pretoria alright and met the Cobra’s at Zepplins in the crime centre of the universe. We were kind of nervous leaving all our equipment, which we worked out to be worth about R18,000, outside, but what choice did we have? On the way, Skeg had to piss into a 250ml Bio Plus bottle and as he repeatedly emptied it out the window between miraculous pinches, I felt so grateful that my window was rolled up. Less than a minute before I had chucked a cigarette and closed it and a sense of relief washed over me as the Bio Piss splashed all over my window.

We got to Zepplins at about 2am and walked around the place like kids in a toy shop. There were 7 different dance floors and who knows how many bars. We even went for a strobe light, laser infested rave with the raver Goths. Walking around a massive dude grabbed Woogy and pulled him to the side. I hung back, worried that I might have to fight some massive, hardened Pretoria metal head. He leaned towards Woogy and said, “Have you heard the new album, Wolves in Wolves clothing?" Woogy and I sighed a huge sigh of relief and realised that they guy was pointing to Woogy’s NOFX hoody.

After that scare we found the Cobra’s on the retro dance floor listening to Indecent Obsession, KISS and Black Sabbath. Bryan met us with drunk, manly hugs and sat us down for shots of stroh rum. After that the night kind of faded into a blur as we dipped into ‘band money’ for beers and sat outside on the balcony watching girls kiss each other. Pretoria is a rocking place man. At about 5am we were ready to leave. Skeg and Woogy were fast asleep and Ozzie wasn’t far behind. Bryan gave us his keys and told us that he was going to Caesars Palace in Johannesburg to gamble and party with some “loose women"?. We didn’t see him again until 12 o’ clock the next day.

On our way back to Bryan’s from Zepplins we got ridiculously lost and when we finally reached Menlyn Park we had to beat Skeg awake because he was the only one that knew how to get to Bryan’s from Menlyn Park. Every intersection seemed to have a major accident complete with bodies being wheeled away in ambulances.

Back at Bryan’s we hit the smoking wall and then the floor and didn’t wake up until Bryan got home at 12pm with eyes that glistened with the shine of no sleep, too much alchohol and no success woman wise.

Eventually we packed up all our shit and hit the road complete with a padkos of Pennywise sausage rolls from Bryan. We learnt a lot of things on this first mini tour and want to make it a regular occurrence. Look out SA Lowprofile’s got a bit of a taste for the road. So expect to not like us at a venue near you sometime soon.