Here's a business idea for you! Open a laundromat in Westville, and I guarantee you'll make a fortune. This is because 'Buckingham' laundry is simply the worst, most miserable excuse for a business I have ever had the mispleasure of dealing with. So I'm gonna burn them right here. Is that really an appropriate use of durbanscouts? Listen to my tale and be the judge.

Since I moved into my flat, I've faced numerous challenges, such as survival on microwave-ready food and not having a maid. The cleaning I can handle, even if I have to settle on only doing the whole once-over every month, it's not the end of the world. The washing however is a different story. There simply isn't space in my flat for a washing machine. If I bought one, I'd have to carry it from the balcony to the kitchen without damaging the wooden floors everytime I wanted to wash. Then, I'd either have to get a maid to do the ironing or do it myself, which is a hack! I don't have time to iron. I work all day.

So anyway, I figured it'd be fine, because instead of spending R2000 on a machine, I'll be extra careful not to roll in mud during the week, and get the laundromat to do the washing and ironing twice a month. Work out the math, it's not that expensive. R160 per month, equals about R2000 per year.. not bad, and all ironed nicely too!

No problem! And I'm right across the road from the laundromat! What could go wrong? Well, the first incident involved them losing a pillowcase. I only have four, so when I send them to get washed, I notice when one goes missing. Buckingham denies all knowledge of said pillowcases. Right...

The next incident occurred when I got back some other guy's laundry in my basket. All his underwear and socks and other undesirables. I was really miffed, I mean, if they lose my pillowcase and send other people's stuff back with me, then there's a pretty good chance that some of my more treasured items will go missing too! Fuck that! It's laundry for pete's sake, if you're gonna offer the service, the most fundamental thing you've gotta get right is to give people back the clothes they gave you to clean. Is this not obvious?

So, I felt cheated and was determined to find another soap house to clean and press my stuff. I checked the yellow pages, asked people and drove to every shopping centre in Westville trying to find a decent laundromat. My search thus far has yielded nothing, so I decided to give Buckingham another chance.

Guess what I got back with my stuff the next time? A freakin' tie-died sari or dress or whatever you call them. Clearly a garment that could only have been worn by a 50 year old Indian woman with a rather large waistline. On approaching the lady that works there, I was met with stubborn indignation, and told that my concerns about them losing my stuff were complete paranoia, and that this incident was completely isolated. She got quite irate and insulted about the mere proposition that their perfect business could have more than one occurrence of lost property!

A reader of the Highway mail writes in to the newspaper the next week:

“Where are my sheets? I use Buckingham laundry for my dry cleaning and they have lost my sheet. If anyone has it, please return it to me because it's part of an irreplaceable set. Thank you."

I read this with partly with a smug sense of satisfaction knowing that I was right, and partly with a burning anger to torch the place to the ground. What the hell are they actually doing there? They obviously just throw everyone's stuff into the machines and kinda estimate who's is whose after the fact. What the fuck? What's with the service industry these days?

I started going to another place in Umbilo, which is quite far out of my way. No matter, because the guy there was super, and he advised me to separate the stuff I want ironed from the stuff that must just be dried, to save me money. Fantastic! He even smiled at me! I felt warm and happy, and it wasn't just the freshly ironed clothes on my back. It's because in the service industry, sneering and shouting at customers is not good business practice.

Buckingham, may your machines explode into smithereens, and may you all drown in the resultant flash flood of dirty washing water!

Here's a beautiful Westville sunset shot from the M13 walk-over bridge which cheered me up. :)