There's been some debate recently between myself and the colonial oppressor (read: my Scottish step-mother) over the preferred way to spend the Christmas holidays. It seems some people would rather be curled up indoors with hot broth and haggis, than lazing on the beach!

Cold, frost, ice, snow... these things are apparently the 'correct' way to enjoy Christmas! Well, what a ridiculous notion. As any Bible-basher will correctly point out, Jesus was born in a desert, not the frozen North Pole with a giant toy factory and flying reindeer. Those things were invented by the twits in the Northern hemisphere; giant corporations looking to get people spending, spending, spending; and have very little to do with the birth of Mr. Christ.

Personally I would rather be surfing and sunning myself on the great east coast; than couped up inside a shoebox-sized house singing carols around a dead shrub with shiny tinsel draped over it.

After all, when Irving Berlin wrote that he was "Dreaming Of A White Christmas", he was speaking about a certain colombian import rather than snow and ice. You know, like Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds isn't really about a jewel-encrusted female soaring through the heavens... that kind of thing. 'Cause who in their right mind dreams of being snowed in on a public holiday? Not that coke-head, that's for sure.

So let's get with the times. Realistically, if kids are going to belive the whole Father Christmas vibe, we should be punting a more believable version of the legend. I propose he should be wearing a pair of red and white baggies, slip-slops and a peak cap; instead of the un-tropical winter suit, furry hat and daft pom-pom. Drop the fat off his enormous 'jolly' bop, and give him a toned, bronzed 6-pack that would be the envy of life savers on any beach. Some Oakley shades wouldn't hurt either.

While we're about it, how bout a Ricksha instead of the snow sleigh? Pulled by a pack of flying cane rats! The one in front named Rudolf, with a big, shiny set of balls to light the way at night.

That'll show my step-mom.

I feel a song coming on. Ah-hem.

"Ohhhh.... Rudolph the red balled cane-rat!
had some very shiny testicles
and if you ever saw him
you might even say they glowed!"

It's a number one hit, I can feel it already!

Anyway, enough of this joyous singing, I'll leave you with some pics of what us east coasters will be up to this December...

capdog's remote office, perfect for the holidayskliktrak puts his feet up in the berg!

Merry Christmas everyone!